Tuesday, 22 February 2011


No real blog entry tonight.  Having overslept this morning I have now entered the stage of tired where if the real Lady Gaga were to walk into my house right now, stand on her head and piss gold I wouldn't care.

All I want is my bed!!

Sorry for the crappy entry I will double up tomorrow's blog.


Monday, 21 February 2011

al dente

As I sit here eating my despressing bowl of pasta I can't help but think how smooth today seemed to run despite my lack of energy now.  It started off with a trip to the wholesalers which is alway fun.  Well I use fun loosely, it's fun in comparison to say sliding down a handrail with nails in it wearing nothing but a smile.

After buying god knows how many toilet rolls and deciding not to buy industrial cleaning equipment to wash out one of the office's external doorways, which the homeless currently use as a toilet Miss GAGA and I loaded her car with "stock"* and headed for the office.  By the time we hit town traffic I had already resigned myself to the fact that this was probably going to be the highlight of the day ahead and texted the Scouse to see who was in the office.  Being told one of the most annoying partners was in fact working with us today I knew my luck was down.

And then just when I had given up all hope and got into the office I was confronted with an email from said partner stating that I had failed to give adequate client care.  Now this was not a suggestion more of an outright accusation which really ticked me off and made me realise how the disgruntled postal worker feels before he takes out the entire post office!


Who needs them.  I mean sure they pay your bills which in turn means wages but if they were to just leave us alone and let us get on with the job everyone would be alot happier.  Take for instance new enquiries.  Now we have all had our fair share of dodgy initial callers but when someone calls and wants to issue an eviction notice on  ghost that has been bothering them for sometime, you have to wonder if euthanasia is such a bad idea and should be made legal.  Whatever happend to survival of the fittest because seriously these people should be removed for the evolutionary gene pool.  Give them a Darwin Award and move on I say!!!

Anyway this particular client was so snotty in an email, but was actually pleasant on the phone which in my book makes them even more of a bastard than the ones that shout. At least they have the conviction in their belief (however untrue that belief may be) to stand by it.

That being said the balance of karma was restored when I heard a young women, who was being heckled by the awful Big Issue seller,  say "bollocks and piss on someone elses day".

Ok client rant over, more pasta...that's better!

Note to employer:  I apologise now for being so harsh to our clients, but really it was a hard day...don't fire me!!

*Not sure if cookies and jelly cherries can be classed as "Stock".

Friday, 18 February 2011

Planet of the Apes

My old gran, god rest her soul, used to have a saying she would shout at my grandfather all the time "your about as useful as a fart in a colander".  I love this saying and feel it sums up todays events perfectly.  specifically to describe some of the people I have to work with...don't worry scouse I am not talking about you.

No I am talking about those people who are supposed to be there to make my job easier and in fact make it ten times worse.  You know the type of person I am referring to, the one who gets the complaints that start "I don't want to talk to the monkey, where is the organ grinder?"  Although in truth a monkey is too kind a description as at least they have the sensibility to throw their shit out of the cage rather than sit in it, waiting for it to pile up and cause problems for the rest of us!

God I miss the days when Fridays were nice and enjoyable, everyone in a good mood.  Instead now I have to battle with office politics, simpletons and abusive homeless people.  Now don't get me wrong I am all for charity and have purchased my fair share of Big Issues, but I resent being heckled by some homeless person wearing more designer gear than I own (presumbly as a result of clothing donations).  All I said was no thank you I did not want a Big Issue and suddenly I am the biggest bastard that ever walked the earth.

"You should do a day out here selling this" he yells.  Yeah well let's see how long he would last in our office.  It might be warm but when the only thing keeping you on the border of sanity is a window, your ability to match pictures of the partners to their celebrity counterparts and a handful of work friends, you would be begging to take your chances on the streets!  That's what I call office survival!

However, all this complaining aside I actually managed to get quite alot done today and my office now has a carpet instead of a sea of papers and I can finally see the scum stains on my desk which I will take as a positive.

Oh well T.G.I.F, weekend free of work troubles, Big Issue sellers and mentally unstable colleagues!

Let's crack the wine!

See you on Monday

Thursday, 17 February 2011

Afternoon Zombie

Today I was given a box of Spunk* and not even by my boyfriend. Instead it was a present from one of my friends who visited Copenhagen recently.  This "gift" was passed to me by his boyfriend over a lunch table opposite our very own GAGA wannabe, who from now on we will refer to as Miss GAGA.  Miss GAGA is probably one of my oldest work friends and will no doubt be complaining about the fact that I used "old" in the same sentence as her once she reads this post.

Well there I was, once again, a glass of wine in hand at midday, being filled in on all the latest gossip not a care in the world and suddenly I am confronted with the awful reality that I will have to go back to work and finish the rest of the day.  Now I don't know about you but for me having a liquid lunch is never a good idea.  Jobs seem to take twice as long and the stronger you make the coffee the more hyper you get until you have to come crashing down again and by 4:30pm you are dead to the world.  The best part about this situation is that no matter how useless you feel there is always someone else in the office more lazy than you who manages to take the piss royally and thereby create a diversion distracting everyone enough for you to recover.

And now it is Thursday night, only one more work day to go and after a night cap with the boyfriend and an annoying women trying to light a candle, I am ready to face anything and this sudden positivity has got me thinking about just how negative this blog has been so far.  Well no more, I am going to center all my energies, or whatever it is those karma giving, yoga loving hippies do to be happy all the time, and become Zen....

.................................................................................Well I tried!

* Vingummi Spunk, according to my google research is a non-salty (ironic) Danish wine gum.

Wednesday, 16 February 2011

Bombay Brambles, Cosmos and Cerebral Meltdowns

Well sometimes after "one of those days" don't you just crave booze?  Ok I'm not alcoholic but there is something so comforting about that first slug of hard liquor or the sound the wine makes coming out of the bottle...glug glug....

Today was appraisal day and for those of you not familar with the term think school report but more patronizing and the teacher could potentially make you homeless by cutting your pay!  Whilst trying to think of the best way of presenting myself as the model employee I was also confronted with having to deal with cold callers all claiming to know Mr X personally and saying that their call was one he would not want to miss taking.  Do they think I was born yesterday? And they're all so friendly, trying to be your mate "hi it's Kai from Resourcing Solutions (or some other pointless organisation whose only purpose is to make the life of some unfortnate PA a misery for the next 2 minutes, which I will never get back!)".  On top of this there are a million documents to amend, calls to return, accounts work to submit and those client newsletters aren't going to send themselves!!!

Anyway the point I wanted to make was that sometimes while at your desk this little voice in you head suddenly resonates through that part of your brain responsible for coherent thought and pulls on the lever marked "GIN".  When this happens, and it will happen, the only sensible thing to do is withdraw some cash from your none existing reserves and have a cocktail. 

It's funny but suddenly all your work problems seem to swirl away in the bottom of a fabulous V shaped glass you, then another drink and you actually feel like talking more about work than you would normally.  How odd that you go to the bar with the intention of forgetting about work and the first thing you do once the drink is in your hand is say "well you will never guess what happend today" and end up reliving the whole vile experience.

Forget S&M if you want to be a real masochist just have a shit day at work, convince your friends to go for a drink and tell them all about it.  Hopefully they will have had an equally shit day and you can compare...afterall misery loves company!

Tuesday, 15 February 2011

Stars in their eyes

There comes a point in every PA's life when you are asked to do the most ridiculous jobs. Getting coffee, picking up dry cleaning and yes being asked to sit in your bosses car while the engine battery recharges!  Well today Mr X asked me something I was no expecting...

"I have to take part in a published questionnaire" said he
"oh" I replied
"Yes and I am struggling with this question.  If there was movies about you which actor would play you?"
"and" I asked
"Well? who do you think would play me?"

So suddenly my mind if racing.  I don't know how to answer.  Firstly I am thinking is this a trick question in some sort of awful employment survey??  If I say someone he doesn't like am I bumped up the redundancy matrix in the next round of clearing?!


If I say someone quite flattering...Gerard Butler or an older more sophisticated Zac Efron...is he going to think am pushing for a pay rise or worse that I have a secret crush on him (which at this point I will clear up...I DO NOT!)?!

I didn't know what to say and thankfully was saved by the bell and the telephone rang. 

I had to ask the girls their opinion.  I had responses from Colin Firth and George Clooney to Robert De Niro and David Duchvney.  It was all moot in the end anyway as I didn't have to see him for the rest of the day and hopefully that will be the end of that!

Monday, 14 February 2011


Corney I know but here goes. Hello and welcome to Confessions of a male PA.  Ok so not the most ground breaking title for a blog about the life of a male personal assistant but what did you expect? No doubt all the women out there are now shaking their heads and tutting "typical man whining about what us girls have been having to go through for years".  Well you would be absolutely right that's exactly what this is.

So before I can start filling you in on the highs and lows of the XY clerical worker how about a few facts about me.  

1. Gay - stereotypical I know but hey, that's life and besides no personal assistant would be worth their salt without a bitchy comment every now and then.  As you know hetro men tend to fall short in this area!
2. The Job - Law Firm...now before you all go ooo and ah, I'm not talking LA legal or one of those other swanky firms where everyone is having an affair with the senior partner and the support staff orgasm over the window cleaner on a diet coke break.  No this is just your ordinary city firm.
3. The Boss - mmmm not sure what to say at this point????  We will call him Mr X
4. The Girls - the reason I manage to get through the day.  My work friends.
5. HR - human resource or as affectionately referred to by the people who find themselves packing their desks...the Terminators!

Well I think that is about as detailed as I am willing to be at this stage. 

Not really sure what else to say now...

Perhaps that's it for now.

Please feel free to post a comment although I realise that I have really said much.  I promise not be post as much shit next time.