The Hangover Part III

Yes the big day is approaching...the Leeds hen do! I am so excited.  So much so that I have splashed out and bough a new shirt.  I have gone for the classic plain white! I know what you are thinking CHAV! Well I don't care I feel I am now secure enough to stick by my decision and suffer any backlash...unless of course you actually do think I will look like a chav in which case I will change my entire outfit!

Well I have just finished and bottle of Pinot Grigo with the BF and my work friend and so I feel confident to spill the beans on the latest gossip from the world of the male PA. Well firstly Katy is no longer chasing our client.  In fact she has moved on to less gross misconduct game and is dating someone not related to the legal profession...actually not sure what he does, Katy?!

The Scouse is just as excited as I am about our trip to sunny Leeds.  we have vouched that we will not be returning to our hotel until we are drunk enough to believe that kebab makes up one of your five a day! Then we will stumble back arms linked, heels broken and eye make up running (hers, not mine...mine will be flawless!) and discussing the bitchy details from the night we have had only to get back to the hotel fall asleep, probably in our clothes, wake up the next morning and wish we were dead!!!

I love hang overs.  They give you the ability to believe that one day you will be a better person and improve your ways until of course the headache goes and you become a complete dick head again.  Brilliant!!  The other "good" thing about hang overs is the feeling of complete and utter torment about what you said or did the night before.  "did I really bitch slap that waitress for wearing stripes with stripes?" or "did I really eat that white stuff of the top of the bin?!".  Come on you know you have all asked these questions at one point or another.

Anyway I don't care what state I will be in on Sunday morning, Saturday is going to be a night to remember and the Scouse and I are going to enjoy it to the full!!

Congrats on the wedding Bob!!!

I hope we survive!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Such a nice day for a white wedding

I have made a mistake! After a non-descript day at work I have settled in to watching The Wedding Singer with a glass of wine while waiting for the boyfriend to finish work.  On the note of waiting for the boyfriend I have to take a minute to say how fabulous I am having made pan-fried scallops, peas, bacon and poached eggs...with homemade shortbread and strawberries for dessert! I know I am the domestic god!

Anyway I have now decided that I am depressed because I actually love the sound track to this film, which is all 80's music meaning I am now too old for any kind of activity that involves moving from this sofa (and this glass of wine).  What I also love about this film is the fact that Drew Barrymore never changes her facial expression whether she is receiving good news or bad!

The final thing I like about it is WEDDINGS! I have two big ones coming up and I am so excited.  Afterall weddings = hen parties and hen parties = masses of alcohol (although with one of the hen parties I am not sure how I would manage booze and an inflatable costume!).  Weddings are brilliant purely for the entertainment value.  Drunken relatives, disgrunted married couples who are upset that their big day was so long ago and now they feel nothing for each or the creepy single people who grind up against each other to "Uptown Girl"!  Maybe it's just the wine talking but I have decided to love wedding season and embrace the love that is in the air...well for now anyway.

So work was uneventful really well aside from a trip the Scouse and I made to the market.  That is one scarey place.  Honestly forget Dawn of the Dead the real monsters hang out around the food markets...the less said about Messrs Lovett & Todd Family Butchers the better!  I so want one of those people from Secret Millionaire to visit my local market.  They would hear some awful life story of how the old lady who sells net curtains and knitted toilet roll covers has had to sell Speed on the side just to substitute her earnings.

Actually I could mix the two and hold my wedding at the all you can eat chinese near the markets...Dress from the net woman £1.50, Cake (Bakewell slice) 0.52p, Crazy religious woman singing hymns £5.00 plus two cans of cider...realising that you live in a shithole...price

Thank god for Mastercard!

Gossip...It's good for you!

So I now have a fully working internet connection, no thanks to the drones that work at Orange home broadband services. Honestly you would think that I had asked for the world when all I wanted was a functioning connection.  I have been passed from India to Birmingham to some other insignificant shithole down south just for the end result to be the same...some idiot can't be bothered to get his finger out of his ass and sort out my phoneline!  Well after attacking them with none stop calls to be told by some jobsworth called Gary in disconnections that constent complaints will not make my connection happen any faster I now have the ability to fill you all in on the latest happenings!

Well nothing much is the real answer to whats been happening! I mean what is that all about?! When I hear that people have started writing blogs and they say all this stuff has happend to them I have to think to myself how much of that is really true.  I mean think about it, you're a 9 to 5 worker, have a boyfriend or girlfriend/husband/wife, maybe a couple of kids or a pet dog called...Bruce...let's say he is called Bruce.  I ask you what could possibly happen in your life to make people think "do you know what their life must be really interesting!"...the answer? Nothing!  Really who cares what you did during your lunchbreak or who the office slapper has been boinking this week.

But...

Then I also think look how well Big Brother did.  Same concept really a bunch of self absorbed people making any situation all about them.  Of course I am not saying that is what I am doing although I would be telling pork pies if I didn't admit that I am a little self-obssessed (no comments please!) but who isn't?!
I guess the problem is we all really like to know what is going on in someone else life...perhaps so that we know we are not the only ones who are going through tough times, or wear odd socks or whatever (god this is getting deep now!).  Maybe that's why these super injunctions shouldn't be allowed.  They are not good for societal mental health! Reflecting on it, what usually makes the front page...drought in Africa or Ex-super model bangs some dirty old MP?!  MP story everytime. Blocking that would destroy everyone else's pleasure. So ok the MP would be hurt for a little while but only until the cheque came from the Sunday tabloids, then who would be laughing all the way to bank...not joe public.

I think from now on honesty is the best policy and I am going to try and make all my "dirty" little secrets public, afterall no one gets any pleasure out of telling a story that's already been told...so...here goes...

AS IF! I'm not completely stupid. Somethings are better left in the closet (no pun intended).

Homo Sweet Home

Sorry for the none existent blog recently (I feel I keep apologising to you all for not posting anything all the time when really this is my blog and I can do whatever the hell I want.  No more apologies from me!).  Well I have finally moved and I wish I could say that I hate my little one bed apartment but in actual fact is fantastic and I love it, afterall it could be worse I could live in a studio!

No arguements of note as yet between me and the BF although it did come close a while ago when I could figure out how to use the Wifi in tthe local cafe...bloody technology.  You would think that working in an office I am used to working with all kinds of electrical equipment and also being the young age of 25 I am completely computer literate!  This is just not true because as soon as you get used to one specific Windows or Microsoft programme some clever geeky bastard says "you know what everyone is used to this programme now lets create another one and move all the useful icons around just because we can and we have bigger brains than they do".  Fuckers!

Well by way of quick update Miss Brand is still continuing her flirtting email messages with that guy from the work do, Mr X has been on holiday for the last week which means I have managed to recover from my near nervous breakdown and I made the Scouse cry on Friday with and April Fools that went wrong.  Sorry Scouse I feel I owe you a public apology I was nasty to do what I did...but...it was funny until you started crying and since you told on me on Thursday so my remorse is gone!

Last week was a bit of a whirlwind of activity.  After moving in last Friday I was then at a theme park over night which was fun followed by more unpacking of boxes on Monday, theatre visit after work on Tuesday, Wednesday more unpacking, Thursday another theatre visit (Avenue Q - if you have not seen it you must it is fabulous!).  By Friday I was wrecked and felt like shit but needed to go to the launch of a new bar, which was nice until I started heaving in the toilets and had to go home to lay on the sofa and feel sorry for myself.  Saturday offered a welcome rest and today I can finally blog so I must be nearly there with the moving in stuff.

Anyway it is nice outside and my arse is starting to go numb from these hard seats in this cafe so I think I will leave it there as there is nothing work related of note to blog about......

....There may be more after Monday though (I know I am ending with a cliffe hanger but I may have news after tomorrow so I will keep you waiting just one more day!).

Insomnia and Pythagoras Theorem

?????? erm....I seem to be suffering from a mental block this evening. I blame the majority of this block on my stupid math class. I mean really who cares how many cans of fizzy drink Kuldeep can fit in his box or how long it takes Jane and Edwin to cycle from Kings Lynn to Inverness or indeed how average number of times Jane would need to change her tyre if she puctured it every 45 miles (where P = pucture due to the fact that Jane is a dick and did not get the Mega Bus, Edinburgh to London for £1.00 that's all I'm saying, and E = how many times Edwin refused to stop and ask for directions!).  Seriously that stuff will mess you up for life.

My other issue is my lack of packing.  I could potentially be moving into a new apartment on Friday and seem to have too many empty boxes as opposed to full ones (lets give it a ratio of 21:2 just because that would make my math teacher happy).

My other distractions include being drawn into the much more interesting lives of others.  That's right you guessed it Miss Brand has has been at it again.  This time her atttentions are focused on a not so bad looking client of ours who she happened to swap saliva with at the last client do.  I have to hand it to the girl she knows how to flirt and work those eye lashes.  Not that I blame her after the disappointment of the grease monkey and a few fashion mishaps (sorry love but the all black number today was a big NO NO!) she needs any distraction to can get.  Anyway I think the Scouse and I made her feel better once we had all swapped black out stories.  Don't worry Scouse your secrets are safe with me especially now I know you have added a reader to my non-existent followers list (hello Scouse's mum!).

Anyway I think that is all my brain can handle for today.  If I am suffering from a little bit of insomnia later I can get out my homework...oh goody 'Formulae in Symbols' just what your going to need in everyday life!

Things are not what they seem

OMG I have some much to tell you all.  Where to begin on what has been a random few weeks.

I'll start by telling you about the antics of one of my colleagues who I will affectionately refer to a Katy Brand (aka Katy Perry), this nickname is partly because, in her opinion, she bears a resemblance to the pop diva however the rest of us just think she is more like the aboves, less musically talented more sexually charged husband.  Which ever view you take our Katy Brand is a sex demon at the minute.

Her story begins about two weeks ago when she was having this text fling with some muscle bound machanic/builder/plumber/something that involves dirt and grease! Miss Brand then found herself in the situation where the inevitable had to happen.  Yes boys and girls they bumped uglies, but not in the regular sense  of the phrase you understand, oh no there was no actual bumping involved as after 20 minutes of (in my opinion overrated!) foreplay the grease monkey would not stand to attention!!  Poor Katy didn't know what to do with herself and in the end retreated to the bathroom, perhaps in the hope that the absense would make his heart grow fonder, but alas it was not meant to be.  Upon her return to the room it was lights out!

Actually Katy's story has got me thinking about a few things that have happend over the last few weeks with things not appearing to be what they should.  For example when GAGA and I went to some bar for dinner recently she decided to have some fabulous sounding French dish which involved pastry and cheese.  When it arrived it was nothing more that a posh cheese and onion pasty on a bed of rocket leaves, which just goes to show you that you are probably better off going for the meat and potato pie everytime.  No the reason I say about things not being what they seem is because I am currently in the process of looking for an apartment.  It's a nightmare and as hard as hell to actually get to the point where you would be able to put your money down!  Bloody letting agents should be called let down agents in my opinion!!

A least I can rely on work to provide me with 8 hours worth of distractions and multiple dramas.  One such drama is called the "Try and Remember How Much I Drank and Made a Dick of Myself in Front of Clients" game which took place last Friday.  All I know is that I insulted one of them, stole a drink off another and probably spent more money than I needed to.  Friday was then followed by a Saturday hang over and the recovery of memory loss which brought on waves of ditress mixed with tiredness and a bad case of dry mouth.  Having had no sleep on Friday night or Saturday I was then expected to run around some old fire station in persuit of paranormal activity which was actually quite interesting and I am not afraid to say a little frightening!  Especially the whole 999 thing which I know means nothing to you dear readers but trust me at the time I was shitting myself.

Thinking about it I am quite looking forward to this weekend and the lack of anything to do what with horny colleagues, posh pasties, apartments and ghost hunting I am well ready for a rest...

P.S. is it me or is this blog now less about my work life and Sex and the City meets Shameless?!

This one goes out to the one I love

So I know I have not blogged in while but that's because I have been going through some shit recently that I won't bore you with.  My point tonight is that when stuff turns so completely shit and there seems to be no end in sight I turn to the one person I know I can trust more than anyone...my boyfriend. 

Now I know the romance haters amongst you will be grabbing for the nearest bucket, but I would say to them that there is nothing more effective to cure the blues than a shoulder to rest your head and a good set of ears to take in all the bile that you need to get off your chest, whether it be about your day, or that women in the queue for cofffee or it could even just be that one phone call at 4:59pm that tippped you over the edge.  Whatever the reason the outcome is always the same, someone listens, tells you to get a grip and gives you the biggest cuggle that you suddendly forget how awful your day has been.

Well that's what I need now and what I am lacking.  So yes my eyes are heavy, yes my head hurts and yes I feel like I could throw up an entire swimming pool, but I know for a fact that just a few seconds in his arms and I will feel able to do anything (perhaps even build up the courage to tell him all this face to face!).

So there it is, this one is for you.  A full dedicated blog to just how amazing you are and how much I miss you when you are gone.

To you JG

Always yours

xxx