Monday, 19 September 2011

The Freshers!!

Day one done.  Yep that's right my first day of uni is over and I am getting ready to hit the town with my new (young) friends for Freshers Week.  Could anything be anymore fabulous?? Drunk 18 yr olds and cheap drinks! I LOVE IT...or rather I love the cheap drinks...the BF would perhaps not like me so much if I had a dip in the teen pool.

Note to self...create funny and amusing nicknames for new people...

I feel so much smarter already and I have only attended an induction and played some ice breaker game for a Drumstick...don't laugh Katy you have done a lot worse for a lot less.

Anyway I am keeping this post short so I can fill you in on all the gossip tomorrow...

Wish me luck!!!!!!

Sunday, 11 September 2011

Death at the Orange Call Centre and other related stories

OMG it has been a nightmare to get this damn internet connection working again! All I will say on the subject is damn all the mindless human shells that work at Orange.  Seriously I must have had to repeat myself 9,000,000 times just for some f*ckwit to tell me that my connection is not was like some awful replica of Groundhog Day (love that film!). Anyway in the end Sanjiv (who also identified himself as Barry) managed to get it into his head that I no longer wanted to be an Orange customer and we have now moved to Sky (the bonus of course is that we have TV too). So now I have a fully functioning connection with, I am told mega internet speed!

Anyway fair readers now that I am back online the time has come for me to tell you my biggest bit of news....I'm off yo university.  Yes that's right there is some lonely admissions person sitting in a windowless room who has managed to muster up enough human emotion inbetween rejection letters to give me a chance and a place on a course.  I will no longer be the fabulous PA you see before you but a student, or as my dad affectionately refers to them, lighthouses in the desert, bright but useless.  Love you dad! x

Anyway I start in one weeks time and I can't tell you how excited I am mostly because my lectures don't start until 10:30am on a Monday which means I don't have to drag myself out of bed in the early morning...not that I do that now, but it's nice to have something to look forward to other than the fact that you are going to be a mature student with more years on me than the other students have facial hair!! gulp gulp! I am going to be eaten alive.  £1 a pint night is no place for me!! I should be tucked up in bed with some Horlicks and a good Agatha Christie! oh now theres a thought I wonder if I should grow a Poirot Tash??!

I have also discovered how amazing buying stuff for uni can be.  I have become completely obsessed with coloured folders, which I will never use, and post notes, which seem like a good idea but are really just another place to get rid of your chewing gum.  Of course I am only kidding about my lax approach to uni, I am planning on being a top notch student (note to self do not ever use the expression "top notch" whilst in the presence of other students!!!) and dedicate myself to the very scientific study of Events Management.  There has to be some science involved in throwing a good party I mean afterall you have measures and things to sort...:-(

All joking apart I am seriously shitting myself about the prospect of entering a class room again.  The other students are going to be bright faced and not remember things like Button Moon and Heman or what Smarties tasted like with all those artificial colours...ah the good old days!  I am going to be doomed to have to educate them....ooooo wait a minute I feel a project coming on...all I have to do to get my new uni friends to like me is dominate their lives to much that they won't have an opinion other than mine....and I will be the greatest student EVER HAHAHAHA!

Ok psycho moment over and back to reality to finish the entry before my Bovril gets cold and I lose all interest in Murder on the Nile, the plan is...

Thursday, 2 June 2011

The Hangover Part III

Yes the big day is approaching...the Leeds hen do! I am so excited.  So much so that I have splashed out and bough a new shirt.  I have gone for the classic plain white! I know what you are thinking CHAV! Well I don't care I feel I am now secure enough to stick by my decision and suffer any backlash...unless of course you actually do think I will look like a chav in which case I will change my entire outfit!

Well I have just finished and bottle of Pinot Grigo with the BF and my work friend and so I feel confident to spill the beans on the latest gossip from the world of the male PA. Well firstly Katy is no longer chasing our client.  In fact she has moved on to less gross misconduct game and is dating someone not related to the legal profession...actually not sure what he does, Katy?!

The Scouse is just as excited as I am about our trip to sunny Leeds.  we have vouched that we will not be returning to our hotel until we are drunk enough to believe that kebab makes up one of your five a day! Then we will stumble back arms linked, heels broken and eye make up running (hers, not mine...mine will be flawless!) and discussing the bitchy details from the night we have had only to get back to the hotel fall asleep, probably in our clothes, wake up the next morning and wish we were dead!!!

I love hang overs.  They give you the ability to believe that one day you will be a better person and improve your ways until of course the headache goes and you become a complete dick head again.  Brilliant!!  The other "good" thing about hang overs is the feeling of complete and utter torment about what you said or did the night before.  "did I really bitch slap that waitress for wearing stripes with stripes?" or "did I really eat that white stuff of the top of the bin?!".  Come on you know you have all asked these questions at one point or another.

Anyway I don't care what state I will be in on Sunday morning, Saturday is going to be a night to remember and the Scouse and I are going to enjoy it to the full!!

Congrats on the wedding Bob!!!

I hope we survive!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Thursday, 26 May 2011

Such a nice day for a white wedding

I have made a mistake! After a non-descript day at work I have settled in to watching The Wedding Singer with a glass of wine while waiting for the boyfriend to finish work.  On the note of waiting for the boyfriend I have to take a minute to say how fabulous I am having made pan-fried scallops, peas, bacon and poached eggs...with homemade shortbread and strawberries for dessert! I know I am the domestic god!

Anyway I have now decided that I am depressed because I actually love the sound track to this film, which is all 80's music meaning I am now too old for any kind of activity that involves moving from this sofa (and this glass of wine).  What I also love about this film is the fact that Drew Barrymore never changes her facial expression whether she is receiving good news or bad!

The final thing I like about it is WEDDINGS! I have two big ones coming up and I am so excited.  Afterall weddings = hen parties and hen parties = masses of alcohol (although with one of the hen parties I am not sure how I would manage booze and an inflatable costume!).  Weddings are brilliant purely for the entertainment value.  Drunken relatives, disgrunted married couples who are upset that their big day was so long ago and now they feel nothing for each or the creepy single people who grind up against each other to "Uptown Girl"!  Maybe it's just the wine talking but I have decided to love wedding season and embrace the love that is in the air...well for now anyway.

So work was uneventful really well aside from a trip the Scouse and I made to the market.  That is one scarey place.  Honestly forget Dawn of the Dead the real monsters hang out around the food markets...the less said about Messrs Lovett & Todd Family Butchers the better!  I so want one of those people from Secret Millionaire to visit my local market.  They would hear some awful life story of how the old lady who sells net curtains and knitted toilet roll covers has had to sell Speed on the side just to substitute her earnings.

Actually I could mix the two and hold my wedding at the all you can eat chinese near the markets...Dress from the net woman £1.50, Cake (Bakewell slice) 0.52p, Crazy religious woman singing hymns £5.00 plus two cans of cider...realising that you live in a shithole...price

Thank god for Mastercard!

Monday, 23 May 2011

Gossip...It's good for you!

So I now have a fully working internet connection, no thanks to the drones that work at Orange home broadband services. Honestly you would think that I had asked for the world when all I wanted was a functioning connection.  I have been passed from India to Birmingham to some other insignificant shithole down south just for the end result to be the same...some idiot can't be bothered to get his finger out of his ass and sort out my phoneline!  Well after attacking them with none stop calls to be told by some jobsworth called Gary in disconnections that constent complaints will not make my connection happen any faster I now have the ability to fill you all in on the latest happenings!

Well nothing much is the real answer to whats been happening! I mean what is that all about?! When I hear that people have started writing blogs and they say all this stuff has happend to them I have to think to myself how much of that is really true.  I mean think about it, you're a 9 to 5 worker, have a boyfriend or girlfriend/husband/wife, maybe a couple of kids or a pet dog called...Bruce...let's say he is called Bruce.  I ask you what could possibly happen in your life to make people think "do you know what their life must be really interesting!"...the answer? Nothing!  Really who cares what you did during your lunchbreak or who the office slapper has been boinking this week.


Then I also think look how well Big Brother did.  Same concept really a bunch of self absorbed people making any situation all about them.  Of course I am not saying that is what I am doing although I would be telling pork pies if I didn't admit that I am a little self-obssessed (no comments please!) but who isn't?!
I guess the problem is we all really like to know what is going on in someone else life...perhaps so that we know we are not the only ones who are going through tough times, or wear odd socks or whatever (god this is getting deep now!).  Maybe that's why these super injunctions shouldn't be allowed.  They are not good for societal mental health! Reflecting on it, what usually makes the front page...drought in Africa or Ex-super model bangs some dirty old MP?!  MP story everytime. Blocking that would destroy everyone else's pleasure. So ok the MP would be hurt for a little while but only until the cheque came from the Sunday tabloids, then who would be laughing all the way to bank...not joe public.

I think from now on honesty is the best policy and I am going to try and make all my "dirty" little secrets public, afterall no one gets any pleasure out of telling a story that's already been goes...

AS IF! I'm not completely stupid. Somethings are better left in the closet (no pun intended).

Sunday, 3 April 2011

Homo Sweet Home

Sorry for the none existent blog recently (I feel I keep apologising to you all for not posting anything all the time when really this is my blog and I can do whatever the hell I want.  No more apologies from me!).  Well I have finally moved and I wish I could say that I hate my little one bed apartment but in actual fact is fantastic and I love it, afterall it could be worse I could live in a studio!

No arguements of note as yet between me and the BF although it did come close a while ago when I could figure out how to use the Wifi in tthe local cafe...bloody technology.  You would think that working in an office I am used to working with all kinds of electrical equipment and also being the young age of 25 I am completely computer literate!  This is just not true because as soon as you get used to one specific Windows or Microsoft programme some clever geeky bastard says "you know what everyone is used to this programme now lets create another one and move all the useful icons around just because we can and we have bigger brains than they do".  Fuckers!

Well by way of quick update Miss Brand is still continuing her flirtting email messages with that guy from the work do, Mr X has been on holiday for the last week which means I have managed to recover from my near nervous breakdown and I made the Scouse cry on Friday with and April Fools that went wrong.  Sorry Scouse I feel I owe you a public apology I was nasty to do what I was funny until you started crying and since you told on me on Thursday so my remorse is gone!

Last week was a bit of a whirlwind of activity.  After moving in last Friday I was then at a theme park over night which was fun followed by more unpacking of boxes on Monday, theatre visit after work on Tuesday, Wednesday more unpacking, Thursday another theatre visit (Avenue Q - if you have not seen it you must it is fabulous!).  By Friday I was wrecked and felt like shit but needed to go to the launch of a new bar, which was nice until I started heaving in the toilets and had to go home to lay on the sofa and feel sorry for myself.  Saturday offered a welcome rest and today I can finally blog so I must be nearly there with the moving in stuff.

Anyway it is nice outside and my arse is starting to go numb from these hard seats in this cafe so I think I will leave it there as there is nothing work related of note to blog about......

....There may be more after Monday though (I know I am ending with a cliffe hanger but I may have news after tomorrow so I will keep you waiting just one more day!).

Tuesday, 22 March 2011

Insomnia and Pythagoras Theorem

?????? erm....I seem to be suffering from a mental block this evening. I blame the majority of this block on my stupid math class. I mean really who cares how many cans of fizzy drink Kuldeep can fit in his box or how long it takes Jane and Edwin to cycle from Kings Lynn to Inverness or indeed how average number of times Jane would need to change her tyre if she puctured it every 45 miles (where P = pucture due to the fact that Jane is a dick and did not get the Mega Bus, Edinburgh to London for £1.00 that's all I'm saying, and E = how many times Edwin refused to stop and ask for directions!).  Seriously that stuff will mess you up for life.

My other issue is my lack of packing.  I could potentially be moving into a new apartment on Friday and seem to have too many empty boxes as opposed to full ones (lets give it a ratio of 21:2 just because that would make my math teacher happy).

My other distractions include being drawn into the much more interesting lives of others.  That's right you guessed it Miss Brand has has been at it again.  This time her atttentions are focused on a not so bad looking client of ours who she happened to swap saliva with at the last client do.  I have to hand it to the girl she knows how to flirt and work those eye lashes.  Not that I blame her after the disappointment of the grease monkey and a few fashion mishaps (sorry love but the all black number today was a big NO NO!) she needs any distraction to can get.  Anyway I think the Scouse and I made her feel better once we had all swapped black out stories.  Don't worry Scouse your secrets are safe with me especially now I know you have added a reader to my non-existent followers list (hello Scouse's mum!).

Anyway I think that is all my brain can handle for today.  If I am suffering from a little bit of insomnia later I can get out my homework...oh goody 'Formulae in Symbols' just what your going to need in everyday life!